>.> <.< >.>

So yeah, I've TOTES been posting continually, ne? Ne? Oh fine, so I haven't been. It's rare that I find both the time and the posting atmosphere in a simultaneous location...maybe I should try bottling them and mixing/distilling when I think another update needs to be done? Maybe I could do that for others, and charge for my brewing services~ /useless, not-really-that-desired-fantasy.

I'm feeling pretty terrible for a handful of reasons right now. Let's see if I can succeed in recounting them (50 to 1 says I can't remember them all xD~)

Let's get the most boring and obvious out of the way first, shall we~ We're now at the end of the first week of uni, 2011. Every moment I've been either at campus or en route to/from it, I've mostly had one sentence buzzing in my head: "You didn't get into JET." Wow, if I could acquire a fly spray that could rid THAT pest for me, I'd be pretty damn thankful. Ah, there it goes again. -_-;; Aside from that, I've had several atmospheric layers of pressure placed upon me regarding this DipEd. I'm worried not only about being ready for whole weeks of placement in high schools beginning week 5, but also about making a career of education. I like to think and hope that my daily experiences, genuflections, and random activities like GMing weekly roleplays will help make me a better teacher (actually, I'd be satisfied with just being a better person *shrug*) but you can't really know until you're out in the field, so to speak/type.

The other major downer for me recently has been the lack of Halfling's absence. Korner's different. Uni's different. The city's different. Roleplaying is different. Different in the not-that-great way. I had to watched Fellowship of the Ring last weekend so I could get a dose of hobbit, and naturally, that wasn't the same. Hafurin, I dunno how you'll take reading this, but I cried a lot in the days before you left us, because a part of me is scared you won't be returning. I want to tear that part out and burn it with some form of acidic flame, but I'm worried it might be my liver >.<>

Another thing has been keeping me in the low self-esteem bracket for weeks...When conversing with some young children, I explained something by saying that I'm a terrible person, somewhat jokingly, and a close friend whose opinion I greatly respect responded with "Just a bit, yeah." Problem is, it didn't come across to me ears as joking or light-hearted, and even if it HAD, I'd still feel pretty damn pathetic...T_T

Now for updates/messages regarding people who shall be anonymous for the purpose of this post~

Firstly...I really regret the behaviour I exhibited that handful of times, and I still can't explain myself justifiably. I can at least say it'll never happen again (and more importantly, it wasn't because of any untoward feelings in the first place), but that doesn't mean I can account for why in the first place ^^;

Secondly, hullo person who doesn't know I'm actually talking to them~ I still have feelings for ya, and I'm having a more difficult time figuring out if I wanna try and make a thing of that, now that friends are leaving. Maybe best to remain friends, seeing as there's so few left? Sigh, I dunno.

Thirdly, and hopefully finally for this entry, meeting someone new next weekend. Guess there's not really much to actually say here; I just wanted to make at least a minimal mention of it in this post I guess *shrug*


Night people~ <4<4<4<4

An apology for the neglect

Yeah, sorry mister blog, for not feeding you with my crapola. Wait...why did I just decide you're male? I'm sorry for my gender bias also, bloggy. *Hug*

Mm, what has happened recently, if anything? Aside from the lack of lectures and tutes, the KINDA lack of exams (my only official exam is on the 16th, the day of Amy's all you can eat dinner thingy, and the day before Halfling's bday <3) and the weekends having been filled with roleplaying (I GM Friday nights, Saturdays, and play on Sundays...mostly) there hasn't been too much. Boring life for the phail! Eloise hosted a Halloween party last weekend, funnily enough, during Halloween. Haven't been to a Halloween party afore; I don't care for parties or for random holidays unless it involves me getting to stay home (oh damn I miss spending a day at home doing nothing T_T). Twas fun though; I broke out my first ever cosplay from a few years back, including the terri-wig, and I'm happy to say it's the last time I'll ever humiliate myself by wearing that particular wig (I'll naturally humiliate myself in the future, and perhaps even now, but never with that same method :P). There was good food, good company, and the only real dampener of the night was the fool who drank too much to cope with. Glad I didn't have to clean the bathroom. Very. Got to talk to Tiff which was most enjoyable; haven't had a proper convo with Tiffles in ages, and it was good to go from discussing nerdy things to perverse things to things of neither nature with her :3 Poor Halfling, though. He was seemingly in a mood where attention was necessary, and that resulted in him fake flirting with me -_-;; Look, I feel sorry for ya Halfling, and you're awesome, but that WAS a little insulting. Also, keep up the Star Trek (Y)

Today however was perhaps the best day I've had in a LONG, LONG time, from memory (which is, of course, constantly failing, though I believe it is reliable in this single matter). Met Sebby at Melb Central, went to Sui (the Korean hair salon which features Kpop and a chandelier, because hey, that's their style). I thoroughly enjoyed having someone else wash my hair (I relax REALLY quickly when I get a head massage), not to mention the attractive hairdresser, who wasn't snobby or unfriendly like a couple of the other people who sometimes work at Sui. My hairdresser joked with me, complimented me and my hair a couple of times, and was very positive and helpful, giving me advice on doing my hair...I think I'll always remember "Messy. Make it messy." ...>.> The way it was said *nosebleed*
Anyway, haircut was done (hairdresser told me to go out and enjoy myself tonight...I think I would've attempted to do so if I had more than $10 to last me until Monday and if I wasn't constantly close to falling asleep as I walked around today...), took longer than all of my other haircuts at Sui and was yet somehow cheaper (I now suspect they charge you less if you're nicer and friendlier with the staff, and if you talk a fair bit about Kdramas and Kpop xD), and then Seb and I went to look at Dramas and Music before getting lunch at Ramenya. Members of Dantai: I finally know which waiter everyone was oggling at...I did my own fair share of it, although I think Seb would declare it to have been more than just a fair share :P Pity he wasn't out of the kitchen when we were leaving, because there was a potentially humiliating question I REALLY wanted to ask, and I swear I was going to. Ah well, I know where he works, so I can show up another time, ne? =D

What was the best part about today though? Easily the fact that more than a handful of people, post-haircut, checked me out obviously today, and frankly, that just doesn't happen for Phe. It felt amazing. More than amazing. A much needed confidence booster that was, and I'm so fucking thankful for it. No, seriously; the number of people who have honestly checked me out in my whole life up until today? I would vehemently argue that today's statistics outmatches that easily, let alone the number of digits on one hand.

In case you somehow haven't seen the pictar on FB or elsewhere, here's the hairstyle (<3):>




And FINALLY, I'll vaguely say here that in the past month or two, I've felt a growing attraction for a certain friend of mine; it seems almost eerie to me that I might actually like her in that sense, and I'm not absolutely certain, but I think I am indeed interested O_o Go Figure, huh?

Manimadness aftermath

Yeah, it's been a while, I know. Shout out to Elinor, partially coz I can, and partially coz I said I would in my next blog post (whenever that would be >.>).


Okay, so this particular post is mainly a way for me to get out of answering the "How was Manifest?" question that I'm going to be asked by everyone I've ever met. This way, I can just link, or perhaps copy and paste parts of the text if I don't wanna be TOO lazy.

FRIDAY
Went into the city in my Conrad cosplay, met up with Jenni in her Lulu cosplay on the way. We trained it to Melbourne Showgrounds (yay @ Metro for doing something actually convenient for once) and met up with some people as we did some shopping in the Traders' Hall (or in my case, a whole lot of purchasing fan art...gotta love the bishies~, and Ranna gave me a pair of long-furred black neko ears :3) and watched the Fruits fashion show. It's effectively a contest where people who either made or purchased clothes ranging dramatically in style from Steampunk to Gothic Lolita to RAINBOW MAN show off what they're wearing and the audience gets to see the pretty. Truly awesome guy from the past few years didn't participate this year =\ I was looking forward to seeing more cool things like his Draconic outfits. I wasn't disappointed with the other regular contestant, Ash, however, as like last year she presented a Steampunk outfit featuring wings this year, looking more steampunky but less intricate than the steampunk bustle dress from last year...both awesome :3 There was a girl in an Optimus Prime themed dress this year. Funny. As. Hell. Hope I can find a pic of that soon.

At the back of the Traders' Hall was the giant Gundam 'Infinite Injustice' built out of pocky boxes, constructed by various awesome members of the Anime club. Definitely regret not being able to help out with that this year. Maybe next year?

Not much else happened Friday, and Halfling, Eloise and I went to Good Games for the weekly rp. I'll be honest; I found the night frustrating more than anything.


SATURDAY
Had to get to Manifest early so we could cheer on JonJon and May in Anime Idol. The first contestant...simply blew me away. Insta-crush, right there. Sings, plays guitar, can draw, can dance, likes K-Pop, and IS PRETTY. Nuff said. I want.
Anyway, we had to put up with three Anime idol hosts this year. The original girl who has been hosting for a few years now, despite constantly saying "So why dijoo chooze your sooooooong?" hasn't been vanquished yet, much to my astonishment. Seriously, what? Boring guy who danced a fair bit a few years ago that reminds me of Steve Dean but brainless was there too. I couldn't help but make retorts to almost all of his statements that the nearby audience could hear, and Halfling suggested I try and be a Host or counter-host next year, because then the host side of things wouldn't suck. Gotta say, the idea had some appeal. Kit, the former Bumblebee girl was also a host this year. Didn't mind that at all; she doesn't have many fans amongst my friends, but she's earned my respect due to her singing and enthusiasm.

Right after Idol (JonJon got through to the finals, btw) was the Saturday Dantai performance. We had some pretty serious technical difficulties in relation to the sound system...*glares at the lack of one provided by MCAC* but after making use of Jeremy's laptop (lifesaver <3)>

Don't really remember much else about Saturday, other than waiting in the 'AMV Happy Hour' room for the following Little Kuriboh Q & A (I got my manifest pass signed by him earlier that morning <3)>

SUNDAY
Anime Idol was at 11:30 today, meaning I had a chance to kinda sleep in at Halfling's place, and had icecream for brekky :3. We went to Manifest, had some more food and ran into Timay (a friend studying Fashion design at Tafe, makes almost all of his clothes, and cosplayed as a VERY hot Roxas a couple of years in a row~) and some of his other friends ^^. Bought a necklace/choker thingy with ribbon and a bell on it for Nekochan's birthday, and eventually went to Anime idol. ...No guitar today, but still...wow...<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3>

Not much to say other than that, so please leeave comments and keep nudging me to post more often <3

Luffles Phe~

~^w^~

Hey guys~ Exams are over, I don't need to wake up at 6:30 every morning, and I had the candy dream last night :3 Things are whimsically pleasant :P What the hell is the "candy dream" you wonder? Occasionally (between every few months to every few years), when my sugar consumption is rather lower than my tastebuds wish it to be, I have what I call the candy dream. Walking around a massive supermarket which sells only bulk buy confestionery. My favourite part of the store is, of course, the substitute of the fruit section, where there's just tables and tables of Pick and mix candy. SO MANY GUMMY BEARS~~~ It was so much fun, and reminded me of lollies I had almost forgotten existed. Looks like I'll be dropping by Sugar station tonight on my way to the city :3

There's honestly not much more to say; you can clearly see what's on my mind xD and apparently there's nothing else. Bye peeople~ <3

Morbid blog post is morbid

It's getting harder. I admit it, okay? It's just getting more difficult to wake up, almost as difficult as getting to sleep. Dreams; if I had the capacity to remember such surreal and pleasurable moments I don't think I would have insomnia. But when they happen, they torture me by flitting away from my memory, the refraction of light on a single dot of glitter that you just can't find to get off your face, but it's always there in your periphery and can't be shaken. I'm trying to write a fanfic right now for Manifest, and all it's doing is rubbing my face in unattainable fantasy, shouting with tangible intensity, "This isn't your life, Phe! It never will be! You're alone! You create and then observe our happiness, our certain moments of ecstasy and contentment, but you can't have them for your own!" Writing about my favourite characters and their relationships is a cake with savoury, runny icing. I pour a bit of myself into the fiction, and it's the characters that get to live through it. I've been a bystander all my life, so whilst I'm used to it, I still know what I'm missing; call it instinctive racial memory if not perceptive observation. I've been the third wheel--worse, the fifth wheel--in so many instances that I may never need to get my tyres checked ever again. I feel both rotten and a little happy, the latter because many of these relationships I've witness I also helped to blossom. I'm just worried that I get more enjoyment out of seeing others happy, smiling, and caring, not because bringing joy and love to others is a wondrous thing, but because the dreadful belief that it won't happen for me is always weighing me down. A wracking, dry cough that continually lingers. Melodrama? I'm a Literature student, and worse, a roleplayer, so I have no idea if I am blowing things way out of proportion or if I have stumbled upon the clarity of mind that allows me to realise fact. Feeble attempts I have made, but that seems to be all I've got. How do you improve when you're already trying your hardest? If you're crippled with fear and have managed to somehow convince yourself that you'll always be alone? Happiness exists for some; I've seen it. But for all? I'm always going to be that friendly but pensive and strange guy that people will either know or vaguely remember, the guy who was always by himself, apart from the others.
...Wow, if what I just wrote doesn't sound like petty, self-aggrandised martyrdom bullshit, then perhaps I don't deserve to be shot...
I'm sorry for being so gloomy; I'm usually sorry for a lot of things, even if it's just a meaningless phrase intended to placate or relieve others. Everyone else is of paramount importance. I've always known and firmly believed that, and hopefully will retain this opinion. Alas, I haven't been able to act on this belief enough; so many friends who I haven't been able to comfort as a result of distance or time. And worse, what about the people who don't even let me inside, who are struggling whilst I am too densely ignorant to be of any use (no matter how small) to give solace or hugging warmth to? I have found that this hurts approximately just as much as the loneliness issue.

I try my hardest to be honest and accepting (if not open >_>), but there are so many billions of extraneous variables that we all encounter every minute of every damned day that sometimes I conclude that retreating to the beloved characters of fiction is worth the wounds such an act inflicts.

/emo post of abandoned hope

Neeeeeeee

Heyas. It's been just over a week since I last posted, so I figure why not? Especially seeing as I definitely shouldn't be using up study time blogging right now xD.

This week I'll be preoccupied with four things:
1) Japanese Speaking Test tomorrow. I'll be talking about my future dreams and aspirations, which hopefully won't go down too badly...assuming I figure out what my dreams are exactly tomorrow morning before I go to the test. Fortunately, the test isn't worth much of the final grade.
2) Wednesday morning I have a History exam. I've gotta study about 63 questions, and figure out what I would say in about 250 words for each of them. Only 10 of them will appear on the test, but I don't know which ones =\. This one's worth a significant portion of the final mark, and DOES have me worried...
3) Wednesday arvo I have to hand in a hard copy of a Wikipedia entry I have to write on The Man of Feeling, and I'm worried about this solely because I'm unsure if I have enough time to prep for the exams and still get this done...
4) Thursday I have my final exam for that english subject which is supposed to be an "introduction" to literary theory but is in no way a simple "introduction". >.<>purely because I have the questions already. Phew...

The past weekend was both good and horrid; the former being yesterday, seeing amusing Tokugawa Bakufu ninja film with pretty shinobi (*swoon* :P) with Amy, Nicole, Rob, and Ash, followed by getting ichipan~ (oh, I've missed that so very freaking much <3)...and>isn't. What's up with that? Japanese teachers should be doing a lot more to educate their students, methinks. Also, I wanna do more high school Japanese tutoring; it's fun :3

Today however was not a happy day for Phe. Not too much reason; just the standard melancholy combined with the impression that people don't want me around. Maybe I'll get over it, or maybe I'll take a hint? O_o?

Anyways, omedetou once again to Sebby, and see yas next week mebbe.

>.>

I have absolutely no time for this, which is prolly the exact reason as to why I am blogging :P

Not sure if there's much positive stuff to recount from the past week or two...Let's have a looky, ne?

-> Had to give a tutorial presentation on an article about textual/political theory that I didn't (and still don't) quite understand...luckily a friend who used to rp with Halfling and I is doing his Masters (or something like that) on the guy that the writer of my article blatantly copied, so he was able to explain stuff to me. THANKYOU SO VERY FREAKING MUCH DAVE! I WOULD HAVE FAILED WITHOUT YOU. And I don't just mean the presentation >.> This subject is looking to be the only one I'll ever come close to failing...

In the coming two weeks I have:
Monday/tomorrow- Japanese Listening Test (unprepared for)
Wednesday- Japanese myth vs. Greek myth History essay due (haven't started, although I have heaps...possibly too many...sources.)
Thursday- GMing 七人の侍 session in L5R (unprepared for, although I admit this is fun and I look forward to it)
Friday- Literature essay/wikipedia entry on The Man of Feeling is due. (unprepared for...still reading the book despite its brevity, and I'll be asking for an extension because I haven't technically been handed the assignment yet)
Saturday/Sunday (unsure which)- tutoring Isabel in Japanese. Okay, so this one should be a lot of fun :3 But the point is, it is still work, and that cuts into assignment/exam prep, I guess.
Tuesday- Japanese Speaking Test, about my dreams and plans for the future...might have to prep for that sometime soon, ne...
Thursday- final exam for that English subject on theory which I'm liable to fail...>.>

And what am I doing right now? Writing a freaking blog. Don't make me go back to assignment writing and test prepping...please?

Aside from academia destroying my already frail psyche, all I can really say other than "YAY! WAFERS~~~<3">
Oh, and I now know GG guy's name, although I kinda wish I didn't >.<

Something positive from bouncy, optimistic Phe? Not this week, guys. Not this week.